Two different complaints about the DIY culture of weddings came up in the comments last week. I thought they were interesting, and I thought it was high time (again) to talk about the cult of wedding DIY.

The first complaint was, in sum, “F*cking brides, man. Why are they always asking you to DO SH*T TO HELP THEM. It’s such an imposition and so uncool. You shouldn’t expect your guests to care about your wedding as much as you do.” The second was, in sum, “F*cking DIY, man. Why is there so much pressure on APW and other indie websites to DIY everything for your wedding? I hate crafting. This is so uncool.” Both of these comments made me pause, because they highlighted the dissonance between the way I view DIY and the way wedding culture views DIY.

I grew up in a semi-hippie, very community focused micro-culture populated by a lot of artists without a lot of money. The macro-culture I grew up in was a very conservative largely poor suburb/city (cityburb?), populated by a lot of friends without any money. Both of these sometimes diametrically opposed cultures viewed big life event the same way – every one pitches in to get it done. That was just the end of it. When you don’t have a lot of money, ‘making it work’ becomes your cultural default. You just don’t waste a lot of time thinking that ‘it can’t be done,’ because obviously, objectively, you can’t do whatever-it-is without money. But you don’t have money, and you are going to do it, so you just have to figure it out.

Because of the way I grew up, I’ve been able to sew since I could reach a sewing machine. In High School I would throw beautiful backyard parties with old sheets, a string of lights, and flowers I managed to pick from hedgerows, and cake and tea I made in big quantities. I knew people who lived more or less on the road in these amazing plywood shelters that they made to look like magical gypsy caravans. My friends throw these crazy anti-homecoming parties (when people couldn’t afford homecoming tickets) at bowling alleys. And, when it comes to weddings, I’ve gone to my share of potluck weddings, dish in hand. I’ve helped set up or tear down weddings and parties. Hell, I even went to one wedding where the bride paid for it by stripping for a year (Yeah. True story…. And one of the most fun weddings I’ve ever been to, actually.)So make it work? Got it in my genes. But crafty? Not me. The first time I picked up a Martha Stewart Weddings (years ago, I actually really like MSW), and came across one of their monthly craft projects (make a basket for your flower girl!) I was really confused. I kept looking at it thinking, “Weddings are pretty stressful. Why would you want to add making a basket for your flower girl to everything else you have to do? You could buy this for a dollar.” Ha. Clearly I had not yet entered the world of wedding DIY.

So what happened when we threw our wedding? Well. We made some stuff. But I wouldn’t say we crafted anything. Not because crafting is bad, just because we’re not so good at it. When I fell under the thrall of indie wedding blogs, I totally had plans to craft some things (photo booths, screen printed tote bags, photobooth backdrops). But in the end, my laziness, which I like to call pragmatism, won out, and we scrapped all those projects.

So what did we make? We made A) Things that we couldn’t afford to buy (our flower arrangements, for example) and B) Things that had dreamt up, that we couldn’t buy (our huppah, our invitations). And it was rad. It was hard work, but in the end it was this joyful, kinda-grassroots feeling wedding.

So did we craft to be indie cool? Heck no. Do I think you should craft to be indie-cool? Heck no. I think you should craft if you’re a crafter, and that’s your thing. I think you should make stuff if that’s part of what you need to do to afford your wedding (and that’s part of your ethos), and I think everyone else should simplify like crazy, and throw DIY out the window.

But what about Do-It-Together? Well, know your audience. If you are blessed with a community that pitches in to make magic happen, don’t dream of trying to stop (or control) them. You will loose, and that will be the best thing that ever happened to you. If you have a community that hates pitching in to help out, don’t try to make them (it will suck for you… trust me, I had my moments with that). So instead simplify, simplify, simplify, hire help when you can, and know that everyone else will get the h*ll over all the stuff you left out.

And wedding guests? Friends and family? If a bride asks you to help her out, HELP HER. It’s a mitzvah, first of all. And second of all, even thought we’ve spent the last few decades in a world of professional weddings, as times get harder, we’re all being called to community. And sometimes what sounds like a ginormous pain in the ass turns out to be a pile of fun:

Yeah. That’s our friend who took Polaroids for us at our wedding. I think she’s having a pretty ok time.

Pictures from low DIY high simplicity weddings: Kate Baker, Eve Event Photography (yeah, that’s a REAL photobooth, not a rented or crafted one), and One Love Photo.

For more DIY free wedding inspiration, please see: Nancy & Sean, Anna & Daniel, Marissa & Nick, April & Thomas, Lyndal & Stephen, Susie’s Las Vegas throwdown, Maddie’s cheap & lazy wedding, Leah & Omid (just to name a few…)

Today I get to introduce a new APW sponsor, who, oddly, at this point needs no introduction. You guys remember Alex of FedorovFoto in New York City who, with his wife Natalia, decided that they wanted to shoot two Team Practical weddings for free, for people who couldn’t afford a photographer, in honor of their second wedding anniversary? I know, right? Who DOES that? Apparently APW wedding elves do that again and again and again. It sort of blows my mind. But back to the topic at hand.

So! Before I even get in to how clearly awesome Alex and Natalia are, I wanted to give you an update. So, reader Julie, who is *in the middle of planning her own limited budget wedding* left this comment:

Oh, this is the most beautiful gift! My little sister, Kate, is getting married on Sunday September 19 and they have no photographer because of their tight budget. She’s really bummed about it but there really is nothing she could do to make it work. She is a sophomore in college and her fiance’, Joe works for his families small business. They’re just starting out and consequently, are getting married on a shoestring budget. They’ve been dating for over four years and finally decided that they didn’t want to put off being married any longer because of money. I looked into covering their photography charges myself as a surprise but the cost was a little too high for me to handle.

The one snag is that they’re getting married in Columbus, Ohio which will likely disqualify us but I saw this beautiful, generous offer and thought I’d at least give it a try for her sake. If there’s any possibility of this working with your schedule then I would gladly pay your travel expenses to make this work.

Yes, you read that right. A bride, on a budget, decided that she wanted to PAY for FedorovFoto to travel to Ohio to shoot her baby sisters wedding (man, I’m such a sap, because I almost teared up typing that). And Alex and Natalia agreed, and it is so totally happening in two weeks. Ahhhhhhh!

Ok. So now, after that, I’m supposed to tell you why FedorovFoto is awesome, which almost seems pointless because it’s so effing clear (I mean, you’ve seen the pictures so far, right? And the kindness?) Well. Ok. I’ve lived in New York City, I’ve thrown events in New York City. I know. Throwing a wedding on $20K in New York is like throwing a wedding on, uh, $5K? In the Midwest. So when people email me to ask me about sane, kind, New York City wedding photographers who might just be getting started and be affordable, I used to slam my head down on the computer screen before typing, “Um. I got nothin.*” BUT NOW I DON’T HAVE TO!!!

FedorovaFoto’s rates… Oh. My. God. I must have triple checked that they were in New York City, and then looked at the images again, and said, “Whhhhaaaaaaaaa?” So yeah. Good prices. But that’s not all. They are giving you guys a killer discount. Alex sent me this:

Following your blog keeps reinforcing my feelings about wanting to work with practical, down to earth people for whom the wedding is a celebration of their love for each other.   To thank your readers for being true to who they are I would love to offer a 15% discount to all Practical Wedding couples, no matter when their wedding date is (provided that I am available).  My only criteria would be that they would have to book their date with me before October 15th, 2010.  Those readers whose wedding is in 2010 would get an additional 5% off.

Yayyyyy! What else should you know? Alex said that his focus is capturing the spirit and the feeling of the day (translation: not just a bunch of trendy shots, but the real you), and he’s unobtrusive (you know to always ask wedding photographers that, right? Yeah. The screaming photographers are enough to make you loose hope in humanity.) So seriously kids, what are you waiting for? Greater New York City area? GOOOOOO!

*Though Kelly is now shooting in the Tri-State area now too, thank god.

Ok. Because I am the luckiest girl in the world, lots of you send me thank you notes. You send me thank you notes all the time, but the ones I love the best are these, “I’m working on completing a mound of thank you notes in the aftermath of our August 14th wedding and it didn’t feel right not to include you in the gratitude fest.” Awwww, right? Anyway, Britta sent me that little note yesterday, with a few sneak peaks of her wedding shot by APW sponsor and wedding elf Christina Richards, and OH MY GOD, right? Don’t you want to put that picture in your mouth? Or at least lick the screen? Me TOO! That picture is the epitome of YAY! (And have I mentioned I’ve met Christina and she’s awesome? Whatever, I digress.) This post is about how you guys are the best and your weddings are the best and Britta totally has to be a wedding graduate and I want to eat that picture up.

Oh. And vacation. As in, I’m going on a mini-one.

So speaking of yayyyy, and sparklers, and joy, it’s a long and hopefully hot summer weekend here in the states. I’m going to be taking the next few days off, and catching up on some projects and some sleep. Hopefully, in the next few weeks, I can clue you in into what those projects are, and little-but-awesome changes going on at APW. Changes that might occasionally allow me to get some sleep and take a shower. You know, details. I’m also heading down to LA this weekend to and see family and friends, so double yay!

In the meantime, you’re totally going to be reading the comments on the Wife Does Not Equal Mother post, because they are fabulous and smart and thought provoking, and I know you’re not caught up. Don’t lie to me. In fact, everyone is so excited about the term ‘auntie brigade’ that I’m sort of want to stuff them all in an envelope and mail them off to Elizabeth Gilbert. Because she has *got* to want a break from thinking about Eat Pray Love right about now.

Have wonderful, long, hot weekends, and I’ll see you on Tuesday. Wiggle your toes in the sand for me.

Picture: CHRISTINA RICHARDS WEDDINGS, ahhhhhh! So awesome.

After talking about kids and deciding when to have them, I said that this week we’d take on NOT wanting kids. So here we go. Obviously this is a complex and many faceted subject, but here our first crack at it:

Dear Meg,
I wonder how familiar this scene is to married APWers:

Well-meaning but infuriating family member/friend/stranger : “So when are you starting a family?”
Me: “I’ve been married for three years. I already have a family; it just doesn’t have any kids in it”
WMBAFMFS: *vacant expression*

I don’t want children. Neither does my husband. I don’t like kids. I like adult pastimes and adult conversation. I’m awkward and uninterested around babies, toddlers, tweens and teenagers.

But I have a funny feeling in my stomach.

I think it’s the feeling of injustice at the way my childless marriage is viewed by others as incomplete. I think it’s genuine rage that our decision is looked upon with distrust and distain. That our marriage is viewed as pointless if children aren’t to follow.

But maybe it’s broodiness. And maybe I’m afraid of that because of what it would mean for us, our life and our relationship. The thought of loving something more than I do my husband is terrifying to me. Although not as terrifying as him loving someone else more than he loves me.

I’m paralysed by the fear of making a mistake. Will I reach 40 and wake up every day next to my husband wishing we’d had a child, or wishing that we hadn’t? I’m not sure if this is even a real dilemma, or just a projection of the expectations of others.

I wonder if you have any insight.

Warm regards,

Laura, UK

Ok. First of all. I just want to state for the record, and for all of us, how much I detest the phrase, “start a family,” when applied to kids. I remember the very first time I heard it. It was back when I was first dipping my toes in the Reclaiming Wife waters, and people were getting riled up. I mentioned something about not wanting kids right away, and someone left an angry comment that said, “Well, I guess the difference is that some of us thing marraige is about starting a family, and some of us don’t.”

And my head exploded.

Because REALLY??? I’m sorry, what’s getting married? Just chopped liver? Just a prelude to getting knocked up? It makes me livid. Every time I hear someone use the phrase, ‘Start a family,’ I want to snap, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that’s what I just did. You know, when I got married?” Or as my friend and APW commenter Marisa-Andrea says (slightly less angrily) “I think there is a lot of cultural noise that tells us your marriage isn’t a real marriage until you have children. There really isn’t anything between the wedding and babies in terms of models. And I wonder, how can marriage be rich and meaningful without those culturally prescribed big events (having a baby, buying a house)?”

So in that sense, I see each childless marriage as part of the fight to make all of our our marriages more valuable, to help show that being married is something different than having kids. That being a wife is a different thing than being a mother.

Second. The fear of being childless being a mistake. As I thought about this over and over in the last week, what I came back to is the lesson that we all learn planning our weddings. The wedding industry is based on our fear of regret - if we don’t do XYZ, we’ll regret it, so we better do it just in case. And what I learned during the planning is that you almost never regret following your heart (or gut), but you almost always regret doing something just because to were told that you had to. I learned that a firm, “No,” when something isn’t right for you, spares you endless heartache. And I think the cultural noise around having kids is similar, “DO IT OR YOU’LL REGRET IT.” Which, first of all, is hardly a compelling reason to bring a human into the world, and second of all, is not true. We regret not being ourselves, we don’t regret not living the life we were expected to live.

And finally. Selfish. For that, I wanted to quote Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed, in what is hands down my favorite passage about not having children, ever. I can’t fit it all in here, so maybe you want to get the book and flip to page 109, but this is the best part about ‘the consistent 10% of women within any population that never have children at all’ (though, the rate swings from 10%-50%, it interestingly never dips below 10%):

All too often, those of us who choose to remain childless are accused of being somehow unwomanly or unnatural or selfish, but history teaches us that there have always been women who went through life without having babies. … The number of women throughout history who never became mothers is so high (so consistently high) that I now suspect that a certain degree of female childlessness is an evolutionary adaptation of the human race. … Childless women have always run orphanages and schools and hospitals. They are midwives and nuns and providers of chartiy. They heal the sick and teach the arts and often they become indispensable on the battlefield of life. Literally, in some cases. (Florence Nightingale comes to mind.) …

Such childless women – let’s call them the “Auntie Brigade” – have never been very well honored by history, I’m afraid. They are called selfish, frigid, and pathetic. Here’s one particularly nasty bit of conventional wisdom circulating out there about childless women that I need to dispel here, and that is this: that women who have no children may live liberated and happy and wealthy lives when they are young, but they will ultimately regret that choice when they reach old age, for they shall die alone and depressed and full of bitterness. Perhaps you’ve heard this old chestnut? Just to set the record straight: There is zero sociological evidence to back this up. …

Even within my own community, I can see where I have been vital sometimes as a member of the Auntie Brigade. My job is not merely to spoil and indulge my nice and nephew (though I do take that assignment to heart) but also to be a roving auntie to the world – an ambassador auntie – who is on hand wherever help is needed, in anybody’s family whatsoever. There are people I’ve been able to help, sometimes fully supporting them for years, because I am not obliged, as a mother would be obliged, to put all my energies and resources into the full-time rearing of a child. There are a whole bunch of Little League uniforms and orthodontist’s bills and college educations that I will never have to pay for, thereby freeing up resources to spread more widely across the community. In this way, I, too, foster life. There are many, many ways to foster life. And believe me, every single one of them is essential.

This is not to say that you need to make up for not having kids by being Mother Teresa. Not at ALL. You don’t have to make up for not having kids, period. But it is true that we all have limited resources in this world. We have limited time, money, and energy. When we have children, a lot of those resources get focused (rightfully) in one area – on a few lives. When we don’t have children (permanently or temporarily) we can use those resources on other projects. We can spread our focus. And that’s a fantastic thing, for us and for society (even when society is too short sighted to see it that way).

Or as commenter Marina said last week:

As someone who’s sure I want kids, and soon (I mean, scared sh*tless, but sure) I just want to add that I am SO GRATEFUL that I have friends who want kids but not for a long time, and friends who do not want kids ever, period. I have friends in the first category who have told me they’re looking forward to babysitting duties and knitting little baby clothes, which, oh boy, I would be a LOT more scared about having kids if I didn’t have that kind of community around. And my friends in the second category, who do not want babies, who will never want babies–I am so thankful for them. I don’t want to get lost in my child(ren), and I feel so lucky to have people in my life who I know I will be able to hang out with and talk about things that are NOT related to babies. So all y’all who are decidedly against babies, or ambivalent, or all the other messy permutations of decision-making–I’m glad YOU’RE part of my community too. I know having lots of smart sassy women I can read at a moment’s notice will make me a better mom, and is already making me a better person.

So selfish? No. Let’s replace selfish with vital.

PS I know this isn’t technically about not having kids, but I’m really uncomfortable with the cultural assumption that we automatically love our kids more than our partner. If having kids meant that I’d love someone more than my husband, and he’d love someone more than me, I’m pretty sure I’d be out. But I think we love our children totally differently (and hopefully not more) than our partners or ourselves. As always, the been there done that Cate of Project Subrosa can speak to this better than me, but I thought I’d throw it out there.

Ok, you know how wedding photographers are always saying things like, “Oh, we are willing to travel” and this nagging voice in the back of your mind says, “Sure. But what’s it going to cost me?” (Or am I the only wedding industry cynic?) Well. When APW sponsors/wedding elves say they travel, THEY TRAVEL. Like, go big or go home. So today I get to talk about the travelers of all traveling wedding elves, Leah and Mark out of Atlanta. In the spring, Leah and Mark came out with an APW only offer of no travel fees east of the Mississippi, and because you guys are rad (and I love you for that), you were like, “Whatever, amazing new photographers who are still building their business and will travel for free? YOU ARE SO ON.” And y’all have been booking them all over ever since.

In fact, all the weddings in the post today are from weddings all over the country. There is  a kick-ass wedding in Indiana, a Team Practical Savannah wedding (Girlfriend! Wedding graduate post! What!), and an amazing Boston wedding. And they are all beautiful and totally totally different. I love that.

Mark emailed me recently to say how amazing the whole summer had been, and how much they wanted to thank you guys, he told me “While some couples honestly worried that we were too inexperienced and the risk was too great to fly us across several states for their wedding – others have taken the chance on us and we find ourselves flying up and down the east coast over the next year. We’ve got more weddings booked in Illinois, Michigan, New York, Florida, Tennessee, Alabama, and North Carolina! We’ll drive, we’ll fly, we’ll arrive the day before or earlier to make sure that we can meet the couple in person before their actual wedding date.”

So to thank you guys for real, for being an awesome grounded community, with awesome grounded brave couples who are willing to invest in emerging creative businesses, Leah and Mark are giving you guys this effing amazing travel deal, for APW readers only: We are still offering 20% off all weddings and no travel fee for weddings East of the Mississippi. For weddings West of the Mississippi – 20% discount + a flat $900 travel fee. And of course – our 100% money back guarantee still applies. Oh right, because did I mention? They have a 100% money back guarantee if you don’t like your pictures. Because they are crazy (awesome).

Seriously you guys. I mentioned to Mark that there were parts of Southern California and the Southwest where I had NO APW photographers, and no one I could recommend as both sane and monstrously talented, and they decided to travel to the West for $900 and 20% off. So, San Diego? Arizona? Nevada? Utah? New Mexico? I’m totally looking at you. Anywhere else in the country where you’re having a hard time finding wedding elves who get you? I’m looking at you too. Hire them, they are rad.

Oh, and finally, they are fantastic people. Literally. They give a portion of their profits to micro-lending through Kiva, they have this amazing non-profit project to create images for local non-profits (STEAL THIS IDEA, PHOTOGRAPHERS! Make Leah and Mark proud!) And they have an amazing three month internship program for 15 adults working to build their skills at photography.

Yeah. These are totally people you want at your wedding.

PS Please go read this crazy story about how when they first started they offered to stay at couples houses to cut costs, before they realized people would think that was nuts, and this amazing Offbeat Bride was like, “totally, stay with us.” And then they helped set up the wedding and babysit and do flowers and stuff. That’s Leah babysitting up there. Rad.

Back in March 2009, Kate Harrison Photography (loooonnnngggg time APW sponsor and I) decided to hatch a plan to make some magic happen as the economy continued to fall apart in slow motion. So Kate decided she was going to give away wedding photography to an APW reader, and after some discussion, we decided that it should go to someone who was experiencing some economic hardship. The contest we came up with was called Local Squared, because we wanted to do some good for Northern California, which is home for both of us.

Needless to say, I’ve been waiting to post the winners wedding for a long long time, and today I get to bring you Christen & Seth. There wedding makes my soul sing in a million ways. It’s in the lovely Mendocino, where my grandmother lived for years, so each feature of the small down is familiar and well loved to me. It sings sweetly of the ocean, which I love. But more than I that, I love the way Christen talks about coming to grips with having a very traditional Catholic service. Because for all our wedding looked indie in pictures, we had a deeply traditional service, something I came to love for all the reasons Christen lists. So you’re in for a real treat today. And the pictures. Ohmygod. I, um, couldn’t help but use a lot of them, since I want to eat them all up. And with that, Christen:

Seth and I met seven years ago in the tiny, storybook village of Mendocino, CA—a windswept, coastal town frozen in time and in many ways isolated from the “real world”. Seth was living and working in Mendocino, 20 miles down a dirt road, in a one room cabin at the heart of a redwood forest. I was living in San Francisco and working as a theatre actress (while juggling other jobs) and jumped at the opportunity to perform in the bucolic village of Mendocino. The rest is long-winded and juicy, but I don’t have time to go into that. Our individual journeys up until that point were rambling to say the least— I’m still amazed that our paths crossed in the most unlikely of places. But wham, 7 years later, here we are.

We chose Mendocino as the wedding location because it represents our beginning and is dear to our hearts. We are California transplants, so all of our family and many friends are from far flung parts of the country and world. We realized that a Mendocino wedding would be difficult for many people– travel time and costs would be prohibitive. Therefore, we wanted the journey and weekend to be a magical escape for those willing and able to make the trip. Despite the obstacles and difficulties along the way, we tried to keep all aspects of the wedding focused on family and friends and our gratitude for the role they play in our lives. I am still amazed and exhausted that we pulled it off. While it was fabulous, worth it, and one of the best days of my life, I am also very glad it is over.

The wedding planning process wasn’t easy. I always assumed I’d get married, but never envisioned or imagined the details. Added to that– I’m a pleaser, a second guesser, and kinda shy. Many aspects of a wedding—the planning, the actual event—are a nightmare to someone like me. I worry too much about other people’s opinions, feelings, and expectations and I tend to put other people’s needs first. This makes me adaptable and flexible and easy to be around, but leads to difficulty when trying to plan a wedding and blend such a diverse group of people. Seth was raised by hippy, intellectual, non-conforming, artist parents in isolated parts of Newfoundland and Maine, while I was raised by devout, hardworking, but fun-loving, conservative Catholics from the Midwest. Though our family’s had met and got along swimmingly, I worried a lot about pleasing both parties and blending these diverse communities.

The idea that every aspect of the wedding would be a reflection of ME, the BRIDE was horrifying. I cared deeply about many things, those choices were easy. But despite the myth, a wedding is not the Bride’s Big Day. Or at least, I don’t think it should be. And it’s not even the Bride and Groom’s big day. In a lot of ways, it’s about everyone else (our parents, our families, our fabulous friends) and I’m absolutely ok with that. While Seth and I went into the process wanting to throw a party that reflected US and do things OUR way, I think this is naive. Weddings are all about bringing people together, so compromise is key.

CEREMONY
Seth and I definitely wanted to be married in a hand-crafted, outdoor ceremony. We share a profound love for the outdoors and nature is our common church. For my parents, however, our marriage would not be real unless it was a Catholic marriage performed by a Catholic priest. But the Catholic Church sees marriage as a sacrament that must be performed inside a church, no exceptions.

At first it frustrated me that my parents would not budge, but I understood their position—it is their faith and my upbringing and I am grateful for it. (I am spiritual in my own way, and use tools from a Catholic foundation to create my own multifaceted, non-denominational approach to the mysteries of life. Nonetheless, I am inescapably a Catholic at heart.)

After much discussion, Seth and I agreed to do a private, immediate-family-only ceremony in the Catholic Church before holding a larger, outdoor ceremony to better reflect the merging of both our backgrounds. Of course, things got complicated. When will we hold the Catholic wedding—2 days before? Will this diminish the second ceremony? In order to be married in the Catholic Church we were required to attend a retreat and have meetings with a priest and discuss the merging of our lives, and then pick readings and music for the ceremony. After all that it became exhausting trying to think about crafting an entire OTHER ceremony. And what about RAIN…Mendocino is notorious for terrible weather…What if the outdoor wedding was rained out?

I stressed and fretted about these issues A LOT. It worried me deeply that Seth’s background would not be reflected in a church wedding. I lost sleep, I cried. I fretted obsessively over the very limited biblical reading options which seemed to have a male dominant/subservient female slant. (Please know, my wonderful husband was as cool as a cucumber during all this—I’m still amazed). I was disappointed in my parent’s lack of flexibility but was also angered when people told me to blow them off. I felt undercurrents of anti-conformity—as if it wasn’t as “cool” as other religions or non-denominational weddings. Perhaps I am too sensitive. Yes, I am frustrated by many aspects of the religion, but life, love and the spirit are complicated. And this is who I am.

So Seth and I made a trip up to Mendocino to see the little Catholic Church perched upon a hill, and our hearts soared. The entire wall behind the altar is an ocean seascape. Seth was raised along the coast and his work and identity are tied up in the water. The stained glass windows around the church show coastal scenes—a young boy on a boat, a young boy in the forest and field—mirroring all of Seth’s childhood photos. It was as if this little church was made just for us and our dilemma. And so, after all that confusion, we decided to scrap the second outdoor ceremony altogether, and perform one ceremony in the Catholic Church with a post gathering at the coastal headlands to satisfy our need for nature.

While our reading selections were limited, we put great care into selecting the music—one song as an homage to Seth’s father and one to my dad. We asked our friend’s to play the music. And we carefully crafted our own “Prayers of the Faithful”—the only part of the Catholic services that you can write yourself. In them, we gave thanks and prayed for the most important people and blessings in our life.

In the end, I’m still not sure if we compromised too much with the ceremony, but we did our best to make sure everyone was reflected in some small way and we honored those we loved by putting their needs above, or at par, with our own. We did the best we could and that is all you can do. Some moments were awkward, but there is a magic to repeating the same vows said my millions of people for thousands of years.

The Good And The Practical

• For me, the wedding was not a one day event. The best part of the whole shebang was the week leading up to the wedding. Our families travelled from far away to surround and help us. We rented lodging in Mendocino and got to share our favorite place in the world with the people who mean the most to us.

• We baked hundreds of cookies for wedding favors because my mom makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the world. We collected rocks and sand for the reception and ceremony at some of my favorite beaches. I’ll never forget the joy of seeing my nieces and family scurry about the beach like wild, happy animals.

• Post ceremony, we asked everyone to join us on the headlands to toss a stone into the ocean and make a wish. It was so simple and so easy and allowed everyone their own special moment of reflection.

• Our wedding day felt slow and full. My mantra going into the day was: be present. Everywhere I turned, there was a loved one. The day was not without some confusion and drama, but it was full of a joy that overwhelmed me in the best of ways.
• Everything was local, walk-able, and family friendly. Every vendor was either a friend or a local in the tiny village of Mendocino. Our friends brewed us beer and played music. Our favors were homemade cookies and Mendocino Mustard. All food was local and served family style. You get the point. I’m glad we put money into the local economy when it needed it most and am grateful for the overwhelming support from our community.

• Despite all of my worry, everyone got along swimmingly and formed surprising friendships. Seth’s friends and relatives are now friends with my friends and relatives on Facebook and in life. People have visited each other and hung out afterwards. It’s awesome.
• Kids rock. The more the merrier. I understand that it doesn’t make sense to some people to invite kids to a wedding, but weddings are lovefests that deserve to be shared with all creatures great and small. Kids are wedding magic.

• We made the wedding a weekend affair. I am very glad we had a gathering planned for Sunday before guests departed. Seth and I snuck out at the end of the reception on Saturday night without saying goodbye. It would have broken my heart not to have a little Sunday farewell.
• Have I mentioned our fabulous photographer Kate Harrison? Seth and I were blown away. Having Kate at our side was like having an old, dear friend as wingman. She was happy, easy, unobtrusive, always game, adaptable and extremely talented. I cannot recommend her more highly.

The Lessons and Tips

• Beware of wedding blogs. Seriously. A Practical Wedding rocks, but the world of wedding blogs—alternative, crafty, indie, whatever, is wonderful but dangerous. I lost myself for awhile and in the end, seriously, seriously, the details do NOT matter. I’m glad I did them, I stayed very very close to my core values and heart and kept it simple and enjoyed (almost) every minute, but I could have saved myself a lot of insecurity, jealousy, and confusion if I had spared some of my unemployed hours surfing the web. Weddings are not a time to be trendy. I honestly believe that. Who looks back at photos of themselves from 10+ years ago and is impressed by trends? Have fun, know your limitations, and forget about the rest.

• DIY or even DIT is not always the best way. We passed up a lot of wedding venues, etc, who offered us a package deal because of initial sticker shock over the price and feeling like it was too “cookie cutter”. In the end, we had so many different vendors and friends to deal with and so many details that had to come together, it was mind numbing. Know when to trust the professionals and get out of the way. Also, friends are fabulous, but contracts are important too.
• Know your audience. Seth and I searched and searched for a ranch or hotel where everyone could be together all weekend long. But rates in Mendocino are high and quality varies. We realized that our New York banker guests and hard core hippy guests may want to pick their own lodging for their own tastes and budgets. In the end, this was definitely the best choice for us. Give options, then get out of the way.

• I expected to cry when walking down the aisle. But the walk was kinda awkward and the whole thing a bit strange and surreal. I did not feel like a princess. I had moments of insecurity throughout the day, despite the joy. And that’s ok.
• Trust your gut, yes, but know that it is ok if your gut has no idea. The most important thing is being ok with your decision, no matter what, after the fact.
• Lastly, being married is way better than any wedding.

Final Note: I don’t alwayshave warm and fuzzy feelings about the day or the process when I look back.  In fact, it’s taken me some time to even WANT to look back.  I honestly, wholeheartedly do believe it was worth it in the end, but I want people to know that it is ok and normal to have mixed feelings afterwards– even if your wedding from the outside was a tremendous success. The good news is—as time goes by, I’m more and more able to appreciate all of the good stuff and the emotional struggles seem to fade away.  But don’t feel bad if you’re a bit insecure when talking or thinking about your wedding afterwards—you’ve been through the ringer and deserve some slack.  People’s loaded opinions and complex expectations about the world of weddings don’t go away after you’ve been through it yourself.  Throughout your whole life you will have to revisit your wedding and weigh it against all the hype, opinions, and expectations of yourself and others.  At those times, it is especially important to hold onto the good things and remember the love.  So good luck and thanks for being my sounding board.

Photos by Kate Harrison Photography. I love this woman. THEY loved this woman. This woman loves you guys. It’s a good thing like that. You can (and should) see more wedding pictures here. It hurt me not to include them all.

Ladiezzz-

APW book club meet-ups are happening SOON (9/11), so if you haven’t set a location for your local meet up go to Facebook and do this thing. The marvelous Emily of Emily Takes Photos (sponsor, bad-ass) will be collecting all that info into a master list that I will post next week. That and she’s throwing the Bay Area party that I will totally be stuffing my face at. And drinking. And discussing Dan Savage.

And if you are not reading the book because you can’t make a meetup, READ THE BOOK. You’ll love it. We’ll discuss it here after.

Smooches,

Meg

I got a wedding undergraduate post in my inbox last week that was so ‘Exactly’ (if I had an exactly button on my email) that I had to run it as is. Miranda hits on two things in this email that I think really, really need saying. The first is the bridal bullsh*t part. She talks about the moments in wedding planning where people close to you do sh*tty hurtful things (that they seem to not see as sh*tty and hurtful, which only makes it worse), and you go to sleep crying your eyes out. Sometimes when we (me and all the wedding grads and commenters) try to hammer home the message that it will be ok in the end (and it will) we loose track of the message that it’s totally normal when these horrible parts of planning happen, and that you’re not alone. As I said in my own wedding graduate post, “It’s ok to cry.” And it really really is.

But Miranda really hits on more than that here. She gives us such an important reminder of why we do this: because life is short, and when you find a person, you want to celebrate that. And with that, I give you Miranda (who will obviously be coming back as a wedding graduate, cough, cough, cough):

This morning I got into a car accident on my way to work – not only on time, but early for once! – and my entire day got warped.  Yesterday two close friends, both in our bridal brigade, declared, loudly and angrily, that they would not be participating in our wedding in the ways we had hoped they would.  One felt we were asking too much, and, for her mental health, has opted out of just about everything.  The other felt that we were asking too much by having not only an engagement party but also a bridal shower and a bachelorette party as well.  These are truly, honestly conversations that I never thought I would have around what I have been thinking of as my quiet, sane, community-based wedding celebration with my woman.

I woke up this morning with my head reeling from the heaviness of these conversations, and my eyes still puffy from all the crying I’d done the night before.  I got up and functioned and got out the door on time and promptly (exactly 89 feet later, according to Google Maps) smashed my car with another car.

I know you say all the time on your website, in your words and in other people’s words, that it’s your person that matters, that you’ll feel the love and support on your wedding day, and lots of bridal bullshit happens before or even during and that is not the part that matters.  But what occurred to me even bigger than that, is that sometimes the wedding doesn’t matter either.

That is, a lot of the time the wedding does matter, and it matters a lot.  Last night, the biggest things on my list were my fiancee’s two best friends and how they weren’t coming through for me and how even worse, I feel like they’re not coming through for her, and how could they do this for our wedding?  Last night I went to bed puffy and ugly-faced because of all of that, sort of nodding as my future-spouse told me we would work it out.

And as I sat there next to pieces of my car this morning waiting for the three police cars to show up (what can I say, we live in a quiet town), Dulcea came running out of the house with a camera, a notepad, and her phone.  She called in sick to work for me, she took pictures of all the broken stuff, she helped take down the necessary information, and she sat with me until I stopped shaking.  After that, she scrapped the rest of her day’s plans and came with me to the garage to get the car looked at, and to the insurance agency to find out how this whole thing works, and even offered to go with me to borrow my parents’ car a few towns over.

The point of all this is to say that the wedding is only the biggest thing for so long; for us, it will only be the biggest thing for another 28 days.  It’s all these other things that remind me why I want to be with her, marriage or no – and legal or no, depending on the state – and, as you have said so many times, that is the important part.

I wanted to write to you about this because this is the first time that I got it in all this wedding madness.  Practical, sane wedding-planner me has been saying all along, “It’s not about the wedding, it’s about the marriage,” but for a little bit there, even if it was just for one night, I got sucked into the wedding.  And luckily, my wonderful Dulcea was there to be ready for the marriage part of it.

Picture: Just so you know who we are – I’m the one in blue

Today I get to write about long-time sponsor A Beautiful Day Photography out of Seattle. I think the best sum up I can give of Daniel, the photographer himself, is that he’s the real deal. As wedding photography gets trendier and trendier you hear things thrown around like, “I’m a wedding photojournalist,” and you see endless images edited with the hottest filter of the moment, sun flares, and over saturated colors. I don’t have to tell you, because you know. You know the, “Huh, so when I look PAST the filters and the sun flares and the hip brides… what do I really think?”

Not with A Beautiful Day Photography, that’s for sure. Look at the pictures and you know, “Oh, he’s got it. He shoots what’s really there. He really sees you.” And that’s what you want. It’s that simple and that complicated.

Daniel is not just a wedding photojournalist, he’s an *actual* photojournalist. He spent much of his career shooting sports, fashion, and also shooting in war zones. He has a Pulitzer Prize. I’m not kidding. And now you can hire him to shoot your wedding, which is sort of mind boggling.

He says, “I have made the transition from covering hard news to weddings, documenting them in the same way as my editorial stories. Now instead of getting shot at in conflict zones, I get to photograph joyful celebrations of love, family and friends. (The food is always better too).”

He shoots in both digital and film, and his signature is these amazing huge group portraits taken on a large format black and white film panoramic camera, and includes 12″ x 36″ print with every package. Now, before my wedding I looked at these pictures and thought, “Oh, that’s cool.” But after? Yeah, guys, you want this, you really really do. Daniel told me, “It is the one picture people love to have framed and hanging on their wall. It shows everyone who attended the wedding and 5 -10 years from now it will be more highly valued than any other picture shot that day.”

And he’s right. You know why? In blog land we spend a lot of time focusing on wedding pictures as art (and they are that, just look at the pictures in this post). But wedding pictures are more than that. They are documentation. They become part of our collective history. The picture of my grandparents wedding that we have on our bookshelf, right where you see it when you walk in? I don’t love it because it’s art, I love it because it’s a documentation of history, of people I loved. And that’s what you get with A Beautiful Day Photography, and what’s more important than that?

Oh, and PS: He photographed Conan O’Brien’s wedding. I’m not kidding. So, um, what are you waiting for Seattle & West Coast ladies?

Remember the last day of my vacation, how I posted Kris’s overwhelmed with joy-ness, and you all clamored for a wedding graduate post? Well that girl is snappy, and you have it today. There are a million wonderful things about this post, the way the wedding is both traditional and non-traditional at once; the way Kris talks about really concreate things, like the things they spent their money on; the way she full on tackles that this was her second wedding and what that meant to her on a really personal level. And the wedding is beautiful, did I mention it was beautiful? But before we jump into the post, I’m going to leave you with something Kris said to me in an email, which I loved, “For our wedding we both wanted traditional things.  I wanted a ceremony and he wanted dinner and dancing.  He wanted a wedding party and a ring pillow.  I wanted a bouquet, flowers on the tables, and wedding favors.  I suspected that he wanted me to wear a white dress.  I felt that we had a responsibility because he was the first in his family and his entire generation to be married.” Because sometimes you forget this in the midst of all this wedding hip-ness, simple is great, traditional is great, feeling like you owe something to your family? Sometimes that makes you lucky. And with that, I give you Kris:

The first thing I want to say about our wedding is this: as beautiful as it was to me, as great as the satisfaction I feel about it, the radiant details are less important to me than the fact that we got married.

Perhaps this is partially due to the fact that this wasn’t the first time I got married. The first time was at City Hall in NYC to my very dear ex, who I loved and love.  We had a favorite book: the characters got married at City Hall, and we did too.  We had a couple of different parties afterwards in our many cities that were very us, very loving, very meaningful.  So why then did I feel sad and nervous getting ready to go to City Hall?  Why did I feel like crying the night before one of these parties?  I think we all know the answer.  Sometime even a great person isn’t the right person for you.

My feeling about divorce is that, even at its most amicable, it is heartbreaking.  That vows were said, not just to each other, but to friends and to family.  You may know in your heart that your ex will find someone else, but what about his kind grandfather and grandmother who welcomed you with open arms into the family?  Faith was broken somewhere, even with the best intentions.  That is why, like it says, I have come to believe that marriage should be something you do reverently and advisedly. It is an act with weight. A covenant. It is a great and powerful thing.

When I met my now husband, I did not think we would get married.  Aside from my own fears and concerns, the 13 year age difference made a long term relationship seem unlikely.  I kept bracing myself for the worst, the moment he would find someone else and move on.  That moment never came. We got engaged, now we are married.  We embraced the future together.

When I think of our wedding, I think about how beautiful everything was: the gardens, the pool, the tables, the room I changed in, the patio outside, the chairs, the trees.  I think about the Lion King song his brother sang us, about his best man’s moving toast.   I think about my sister and law singing “Che il sogno di Doretta” as we walked to be married.  Or my friend Ann singing “The Nearness of You” as our first dance.  I think about coming in to our bedroom that night, the bride’s room I changed in, and seeing a million candles and orchids and artichokes that my bridesmaids had repurposed from the tables and used to decorate the room for us.  Let me tell you, any decorated bedroom you have seen in a movie has nothing on these ladies and their men, who helped.  It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. The thing I think about most often is holding the man I love’s hands under the pepper tree and looking at him.  I think about how happy we were, how full we were of the astonishment and joy of getting married to each other.  That is why we had a wedding.

Now the nitty gritty: I think the wedding planning process can be meaningful and transformative; I also think it can be mind-bogglingly stressful and hard.  I thought a little about what I would have told myself at the beginning of it all (not so very long ago!) and here it is:

1) Embrace your own brand of crazy

Planning a wedding is—as we all know—super crazy pants.  I obsessively clinked through every wedding location in LA online.  I think that is over 1,000.  When I found A Practical Wedding, thanks to a rec from my dear friend Liz, I read every post that Meg wrote in two days.  At the height of my wedding-planning madness I was reading 40 blogs a day.  Yes, I do have a fulltime job.  I like to research and really get in to things.

So what if I bought hundreds of vintage salt and pepper shakers to give out as wedding gifts?  Don’t judge yourself—do what you need to do.

2) Don’t lose sight of the bottom line—for too long

I know how difficult marriage can be, the hard way.  I know that a marriage, like every relationship, needs to be protected, invested in, and prioritized.   You probably know this too, but let me add that the wedding is a good place to practice this.  After all, you are not marrying your florist (although it may feel that way at times).  Yes, the photo booth needs attention—but maybe you should just go out and see a movie instead.

3) Think about the feeling

For me, the location was the most significant decision.  I needed a beautiful place that we could afford.  I also needed a place that was very Californian, because I couldn’t imagine dragging family from the East Coast and Midwest and having them spend their time in a banquet hall that they could have found in Ohio.  The location we found was not just beautiful, a 1930s house lovingly restored within an inch of its life, complete with garden and old pool, it was tranquil.  As we stepped out of the car to look at it, peace washed over me.  I felt calm; I felt like I wanted to stay.  I thought our friends and family would feel the same way.

4) Stress and relish

I wish I could say that having found the location, I embraced each wedding task with calm and ease, relishing the shit out of it and leaving frantic stress behind.  But I’m a worrier.  Loved the wine tasting and choosing.  Then worried we hadn’t bought enough.  Then worried about having bought too much. It’s a process—just make sure that there are some good parts in there.

5) Go with the accident

I and the man I love were planning to get married in September, which would have given us 9 months to put the wedding together and allowed me to work an extra job over the summer to help pay for it all. However, the owner of the house said, “How about June?  The garden looks beautiful in June.”  We shook our heads, then looked at each other.  Better for his brothers, who are still in school, than September.  Better for me, who would be done with the quarter.  June it was!  We didn’t need the extra planning time.  And the garden was beautiful.

6) Don’t budget away the joy

Budgeting can become very consuming.  We too had very small amounts we could spend in every area—especially small amounts for Los Angeles.  But there were some line items that ultimately needed to go over budget.  Did we need custom invitations?  No.  Do I understand no one else cares about the invitation?  Yes.  Did I look hard at every budget stationery option and try to picture sending it out instead?  Yes.  But the fact is have I always loved paper and stationery and I wanted to make something beautiful, something very personal.  I loved the process of working with a talented designer. I loved how my husband and I would look at the proofs together and talk about our vision of us, of the day, of what we loved visually.

7) Let your husband-to-be handle it

We had been pretty collaborative, but the week before the wedding there were a number of minor/crucial things that still had to be taken care of and I felt I was carrying them all.  I broke down to the man I love and told him that I was afraid I was going to forget something—that it was all on me—that I was the only one who knew what was supposed to happen when.  He said, Tell me everything we’re supposed to do.  I’ll make lists and we’ll take care of it together.  Fellow control freaks, you are carrying more than you realize.  Delegate and share.

8)  Get married!  It’s awesome!

Did I ever imagine that the 20 year-old engagement-ring-hating, traditional-marriage-avoidant, abandonment-terrified, relationship-misfit I was would turn in to the happily, so happily, married woman I am today?  I did not.  The wonder of it all.

Photos by Steve Steinhardt wedding photography, in LA (they loved him!)